Dependent Independence

I remember the morning I left for college. It was a rainy August morning and Sarah, along with her mom and her little brother, had come to see me off. After a few hugs, I climbed into the loaded Expedition with mom and dad and wedged myself in between all the boxes I'd carefully packed and labeled with index cards that detailed each item contained within.

I was a little tearful looking back at Sarah and recognizing our first major break. I was a bit conflicted when mom and dad finally stepped out of the dorm room and left me with my new community. But I was also electrified by my newfound independence. I couldn't help but be excited for this new life, this new place. At 17, I was getting my first taste of being grown up. It sounds harsh, in a way, insensitive, that I was so excited to get on to the next thing and leave so much behind, but I guess when the next thing is coming anyway, one might as well embrace it. And, while I didn't ever see myself going back to Indy long-term, I knew I'd never entirely leave my family, Sarah, or that place - nor would they leave me.

Leaving Lexington was different and still the same. This time I packed up not a room, but a life. I didn't graduate from school, I had to leave a job. I didn't stumble out looking for my direction and basking in independence, I set a course and united myself with another person's life and dreams.

Three days after our wedding and still glowing, we left the airport with our four bags in tow and the rest of our things packed up at various family homes. As much as I've loved Lexington and my life there, once we left it began to immortalize itself in my heart. It's been challenging to think about going back. I think it's mostly because Lexington, as Indy, was so perfect for what it was and the time it was in my life and I don't think it can ever be the same, or I don't want to expect it to be and be disappointed.

When you go somewhere new it's not fraught with expectations of rebuilding relationships or hopes of familiarity or fears of the unknown - because everything is unknown. Everything is open to interpretation and shaping.

But going home recently, as a married woman, sharing with our friends (from Indy, Lexington and beyond) in engagements, babies, jobs, lives...it made me question for the first time what I was so scared of. People will change, places will change, but the key in both of my moves has been the relationships that stick. And those are the things I come back for - and will keep coming back for.

Because I need to be a part of the Taylor family life, my brother's and mom's, my girlfriends', my entire family's and new family's lives - and I need them to be a part of mine.